Journal Entry #57

"...sometimes i am beginning to think that i am crazy. and it gives me a relief to ask myself that question, and take comfort in the phrase "crazy people dont admit they are crazy".

but most of the times i feel that way. it seems that i got my self a job because people want me to feel useful. and that this is a great conspirancy. there are so many unexplainable things in this office. our floor is not saved. one afternoon i got really bored i was able to come up with a conclusion that people's last names in the 7th floor has a consonant/vowel ratio of 4:1.

sometimes i think that it is winter outside. that summer is just something that i prayed for to come. i don't know. i feel like i am a chess piece. moved around. or standing still ready to slaughter those on the other side.

when i look at myself in the mirror sometimes i doubt if it is me i see. i think it is not me. my hair is long, but it doesnt feel like it. i look like im 30 but i counted 24.. but i feel like i have been here forever.

i was there when Jesus died.

And last night when i got home i spoke 17 verses of the bible. and i slept. As if nothing happened. i woke up around 4am. i realized that i didnt do anything that day.it's getting really cold outside.
tomorrow things will get better i know. my headache is getting worse too. but i dont mind that now, my liver is failing. i take comfort that i will die sooner than my brain does. now there's a trace of rainbow smile on my face. and it is not even dawn yet."