last night i went home feeling awfully low. there were some thoughts discussed in the beer sessions earlier that made me remember past issues. =(

me, dencio, karen and teods went to sideline last night. me and karen were supposed to eat dinner at the place near sideline, but it was already closed. so we had to eat our dinner at sideline while dencio (who took his FREE dinner earlier) started drinking beer. then teods came along...

topics flowed as fast as the beer.

We talked about courting, and starting new relationships. My stand is that, when a person (e.g. a girl) likes someone..the chances of that guy winning her heart is 99%.. but when the guy courts a girl, who happens to not feel anything for him from the beginning, the chances are weak. like 1%, with all the efforts involved.

What struck me most though, is the thought that says "u have to fix yourself first before trying to help others fix their lives"

oh btw, im currently listening to Dear God by XTC, i have read the lyrics to the song before, but i just heard the mp3. *wink*

Anyway.

After a nanosecond i felt some kind of deja vu. When i realized that somehow that's what i am. I can be a very good guy friend. But i wont make a good boyfriend. The sad thing is I know it. Worse, i think i am not doing anything about it. There is so much non-issue in the things around me that i churn inside my head/heart and make it such a big deal, that life in its entire being... makes me feel really tired. It would be really unfair for the "girl", for me to come into her life and share to her a part of the hell of the kind of guy that i am. She isn't a mechanic, and it is not her duty to fix me.

so if i continue living the life that i have now (the kind that i like and dislike at the same time)... i think there is no chance that i would ever find someone who can understand me.

here's the lyrics to the xtc song i mentioned earlier.

Dear god,
Hope you got the letter,
And I pray you can make it better down here.
I dont mean a big reduction in the price of beer,
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet,
cause they dont get enough to eat
From god,
I cant believe in you.

Dear god,
Sorry to disturb you,
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street,
cause they cant make opinions meet,
About god,
I cant believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too!

Dear god,
Dont know if you noticed,
But your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it,
you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true.
Well I know it aint and so do you,

Dear god,
I cant believe in,
I dont believe in,
I wont believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners,
No devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.

You
re always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And its the same the whole world round.
The hurt I see helps to compound,
That the father, son and holy ghost,
Is just somebodys unholy hoax,
And if youre up there youll perceive,
That my hearts here upon my sleeve.

If theres one thing I dont believe in...
Its you,Dear god.