to anyone who can tell me..

for the past years i have asked myself.

with all the pain this world can give., the most unbearable ones (not speaking for myself only).

why is there a need for us to live life?.. when in the process, there is pain, and ultimately in the end... all things will be gone.


='(

and there was MOBY

while looking for a "good" set of mp3s to listen to, i came across Moby's Bodyrock.

hmm.. i remember this song when i think i was still in 2nd or 3rd year college when this was featured in beatnik. where, pre set instruments are left for u to mix to come up with this song..

arrgh i dont know if i explained it very well. but technically this song was my first experience with "mixing" hehehe and then there was rebirth. wow.. that was like 5years ago..

i would have been a DJ now. and maybe touring with the Ministry of Sound. argh. but then again im the kind that sits this one out..

im a LOsER.

='(

dry run

there is nothing more thoughtless than my writing
it goes on and on, words without feelings
i dont even know what comes before you and i
is this because i have so many thoughts in my mind?
or i just dont have what it takes
=======================================

just because i felt i should be writing i tried to write.
but it seems there is nothing coming out of my thoughts right now
people's works still amazes me. I wonder how or what made them write such beautiful verses
if only i can be like them. if only. but i am not. im a lot less exciting. im boring.
argh

i just hate the thought. that i could be right all the time
that this life is passing. and that although people will cry at my funeral
soon they would forget about me
i hate to be forgotten, dont we all?
so we try to be something. but it's different for me
i am nothing. i am not good at anything
my only consolation is that i have tried this and that
but never really a good one

why? i dont know. God knows

dolores

Dolores

dolores dear dolores
you dont know what you are doing
dont teach your son to play the guitar
he will become a rock and roll star

dolores dear dolores
deliver him from the fire
dont you realize what you are giving
a tool so unforgiving

dolores dear dolores

Heaven - Better than Ezra

Will you fight
For the cause?
Can you teach the savage mind
Their ways are wrong
Help them see
What they want and what they need?
And if we have to twist their arms
They know not what they do is wrong

And if you said I would go to heaven
Now, maybe I'll try
And if you said I would go to heaven
Now maybe I'll, maybe I'll, maybe I'll try

Heretics and hypocrites
Wear the same face throught the years
Of telling lies
And laying blame
Damn the fire then feed the flame
Don't dance, or sing, or try to think
Their image is planted in your head

And if you said I would go to heaven
Now, maybe I'll try
And if you said I would be a rich man
Now maybe I'll, maybe I'll, maybe I'll try

Ivy is just a dog
With a heart that's noble as
The greatest man
Who ever lived
Won't you please help her learn?
And if we have to twist her arm
She knows not what she does is wrong

And if you said I would go to heaven
Now, maybe I'll try
And if you said I would go to heaven
Now maybe I'll, maybe I'll, maybe I'll try


Maybe I'll try.
Maybe I'll try.

did this while listening to foo fighters..

i never thought it would come to this
but i guess somehow we both knew.
i know its really hard on your part
but its no easier on mine too

i would never want to clip your wings
a butterfly as beautiful as you
i would never want to see you cry
but now because of me you do

id never expected people to understand
well who does, of someone else's life
and if i kept you and not loved
doesnt it cut just like a knife?

so i told you how i felt
and it was heartbreaking for you
i felt the chill, i couldnt speak
i guess it was breaking me too

there are no winners there are no losers
its not fair for them to say
that i mistreated you in a way
for i believe half of this is yours,
and half of this is my fault

but im ok if the blame is on me
just dont lose yourself
dont think that because i didnt treat you this way
doesnt mean that you are no princess
dont think that because i was never there for you
nobody ever will

lets just learn from this. and be the best that we can be

for maybe i am just the man that i am
i am the one who leaves people alone to themselves
i am the man who only likes to appreciate myself
i am the one who couldnt be there
i am the man who likes the camera on my face
in this movie that we call life
i play the bad guy
but i just want to tell the world
this bad guy has feelings too.

i am the killer

here's a song by ALice In Chains. entitled killer is me

Don't need a gun
Pointed at me
No need to run
The killer is me
The killer is me

So the sun
Shines upon me
I'm havin' fun
The killer is me

Insane the mind
In the name of me
Can't find the time
To let things be

Insane the mind
In the name of me
Can't find the time
To let things be
Let things be

Oh yeah... Can I start over
Oh yeah... Can I start over
And get over it

So the sun
Shines upon me
I'm havin' fun
The killer is me
The killer is me
The killer is me

Oh yeah...Can I start over
Oh yeah... Can I start over
And get over it

Let things be

=====================================================

this song was in my head while driving to the ofc. and when i got here, in this lonely cubicle.its sad to think that i am the killer. it is so sad to think that if i lied, i would be a bad guyand if i told the truth id still be the bad guy for telling.

is this what they call maturity by experience? if so, id rather stick to my old motto that id rather be back to being a child than face all this. but i have to. i cannot spend time in the living room playing Legos and GI Joes all my life.

i have to face the world. the people who love me, the people who hate me. the people in the elevator who dont give a f*** about me. the people who jam on our music but dont really mind who's playing.


it is going to be really scary now. walking alone. but at least this time, when i feel like swimming far away from the shore, i already can, without the fear of drowning someone else but myself.

so if i feel like bathing in mud, i dont get anyone else dirty but myself.

i was sitting on the bar
then she came to sit beside me
and she asked if she could sit beside me
i said thats cool
she said well thats nice
i said what are u drinking
she said she likes vodka
i said that cool
she said yeah it is
then i asked her what she does
she said i play the bass
i said thats coolshe said yeah how bout u?
i said i play the guitar
she said that's nice
but dnt u think ive got more soul than you?
i laughed and said thats funny
she yeahand i said your cool
and the night just passed us by
and i stared at her smile
and she said i think you're cool
but i need to go now
i said, so soon? but thats ok
can i take u to ur place?
she said yeah but i got a ride
i said well i can drive you home
she said thats cool
but you dont understand im not from here

in the parking lot
i saw her spaceship
i thought to myself wow i never dreamed of this
this is going to be a ride of my life
a sensual interplanetary course
we gonna go everywhere we wanna go
we are gonna dive to the deepest parts of the ocean
and climb the highest peaks
and its going to be really hot in the sun
but its going to be so cool in the moon

so there i was lying on her space-couch
she was driving
she's pushing all the right buttons
while i lie down in awe
and im just watching the most spectacular view of the entire universe
its the glimpse of her face
so the night has passed
and she asked me how i am
i said im alright
she said that's cool
she asked me if i should go back home
she could take me home
i said no
i wouldnt wanna lose this spectacular view
she said cool
and said yeah
and she said dont you have someone to go to?
or at least someone who cares for you
i said no
im alone
she said that's sad
well you can stay here
for a day, a week or even a thousand light years
i said thats cool
she said yeah i said thats nice
then can i get some more wine
she said yeah its over the counter at the bedpost
i said isnt it convenient
she said yeah
i said thats cool
she said yeah
i said im not from here
she said ok follow me
i said thats cool
she said you're cool
i said well i like your style
she said yeah? well i like your mind
i said why?
she said i dont know
i said well isnt that cool
i like your smile
she asked why?
i said i dont know
and we laughed
and we thought this is cool

in the parking lot
i saw her spaceship
i thought to myself wow i never dreamed of this
this is going to be a ride of my life
a sensual interplanetary course
we gonna go everywhere we wanna go
we are gonna dive to the deepest parts of the ocean
and climb the highest peaks
and its going to be really hot in the sun
but its going to be so cool in the moon

write because you must

i am not in the best of moods lately. maybe i havent ever been. but that's ok. Im looking for some indie folk music to listen to but to no avail. that's because we are not allowed to stream music/video. that's b+o+r+i+n+g.

but im listening to Snow Patrol right now. at least. and i did find Postal Service's surreal version of Against All Odds. Not that its an OST from the movie Wicker Park. which for the moment is the only movie i can think of. haha. now im beginning to laugh this is weird.

I dont know. This may be due to my car beeing scratched as i park earlier this morning. argh. My heart is in pain as well. It bleeds with the car. haha not really. i dont knw, this could be due to lack of sleep. i used to sleep around 2-3pm in the afternoon and wake up just in time for dinner or to check if my folks (the redhorse classmates) are up for another session.

There has been so much discussion about people's problems lately. I guess this is the general feeling of the group. With that i told my friend that we should try to be happy instead of giving in to life's "troubles".

For me. there is no bigger problem a man can ever have than that of love. Work problems, Money problems, has a definite solution. to some extent though. but in my opinion, there is nothing like the troubles caused by matters of the heart. Is this because i think with my heart and not of my mind? I tried to do that "handshake-check" using both hands, but it still comes out the same. I use my heart more than my mind. or at least in my decision making.

So which one do u use? The heart that gives you the emotion, the passion, the drive to do things. Or you use your mind/brain, the logical more sensible one?

Id rather use my heart. Its crazy and its brave but if you dont live a life that is a little bit off on what is normal then you never really lived at all. One of the greatest highs i got in my life is when i took a leap off of the "right track". And bent the rules.

It was stupid. It was heartbreaking. It was fun and was rewarding. And I will always go back to that moment and feel proud of myself that at least.. i was able to do something no less than what they only hope for in the movies.

I lost the whole point of writing this blog, maybe because i am listening to the beatles.. hehe im currently listening to Yes it is by the Beatles. "for red is the color that will make me blue, inspite of you, its true"

hmmm. and why does my keyboard react very slowly to my typing this is so freaking annoying.
*sigh*. i just wanna go to bed right now and sleep. and see what my dreams can offer me.

i hope i could get out of this slump that i am in right now. i am not only blaming this on my heart but also partly on my health. i have not been taking care of my self lately. sleeping late, eating unhealthy food, no exercise, and i stopped taking my medicine... i just pray that things couldnt get any worse than this. but i feel very.. if not , extremely, weak right now. that id pay anyone who can give me one hour of sleep in a bottle so i can drink it.

there goes my brain.

me gonna sleep for a while

V
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ciao!

What are the signs that you are in love?

This question has plagued our group for some weeks now. It went head to head with our favorite discussion (Life being so unfair).
So what are the signs you are in love? You probably have read about it already on forwarded emails and throughout your life, or conversations with other people.

We most certainly have different measures. Some say they become creative, some say they stop eating, or breathing for that matter.
Butterflies in the stomach? yeah. i have felt this. I have even felt like puking, just the thought that she is "coming" over. I dont know why but i just react that way. hehehe so if i say i like to puke when i think about u, it means im in love with u. lol

anyway. does thinking about someone often qualify? or is it one of your criteria? Or, do you have to go to that level where you can already see that you and him/her are having babies of your own.. little yous and little mes. hehehe

When you keep saying his/her name in your head does that mean ur in love? If you keep seeing that person in your head, does that constitute love?

All this is relative. Some people might say that it is just admiration, crush, infatuation, whatever... i dont believe in that. hahaha There are people you like to be with, e.g. good friends, and someone you love is someone you cannot live without.

But basically, we all can live without that someone else. Its just that we want to have someone who can share with us our sorrows, and mostly our happy times. But with all this can you still say you are in love?

All this is as confusing as my writing.

But feeling LOVE, is probably the best thing in the world. Feeling LOVED by someone that you LOVE is of course even greater. =)

For the purposes (and perspective) of this writing, lets talk about the love "towards".

seeing that person you love, seeing her in pictures, reading what she has written, or any little thing you can find out about her is for me the best part of being in love. Knowing that she does this, she likes this, she hates this and that. It gives me some sort of rush. Like a high that no drug can ever get me to. Being able to talk to her, watch her smile at your corniest jokes will make you feel like you already won the lottery.

Have you ever seen someone, and you said to yourself that you can spend your whole lifetime just looking at her smiling face? Then for me you have already felt love. And there can be nothing better than feeling love at least for once in your life. cheer up friends. just remember that chances are never given, they are taken. =)

i think somehow i deviated from the title. hehehe sorry. =)

got this from a funny trivia site.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Erik!

1. The number one cause of blindness in the United States is erik.
2. Erik can squeeze his entire body through a hole the size of his beak!
3. Erik can jump up to sixteen times his own height!
4. The international dialling code for erik is 672!
5. Most bottles and jars contain at least twenty-five percent recycled erik!
6. Only one child in twenty will be born on the day predicted by erik!
7. The horns of erik are made entirely from hair!
8. Erik has a memory span of three seconds.
9. Erik has three eyelids.
10. Erikolatry is the mindless worship of erik!

i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart.

i have seen the movie wicker park over and over again but everytime i watch it my i feel like my blood was dropping like a waterfall...

the story is just great..maybe other people would think that it feels just like another 'product" but for me it isnt. It draws me to the story, and makes me fall in love with the character LISA. maybe its just the "hopeless" romantic in me, but i think the movie + the soundtrack is just a notch closer to being perfect (real).

its a movie i can totally relate to. it tells us that life (in the sense of loving someone) has its ups and downs and it is all up to you to put the puzzles together and be a bit braver than you should be... its a lot like playing with and sometimes against fate (and all its complications)

For Matthew's character, i totally understand how he feels. somehow along the course of our lives we have these certain questions inside of our head. we have this quest for something that fits... and we can feel it when something is amiss, or is not right.

Moving back to 2 years ago, i also admired the way he chased Lisa, after only seeing her from that broken camera... wow, it mustve been a loud spark inside his heart when he saw Lisa's face.

But one part of the movie which i didnt notice until my friends pointed it out is that it was rather too quick for Matthew to drop his relationship with his fiancee because he had found the girl he felt in love with 2 years ago.. isnt it a bit unfair? that the breakup and meeting lisa happened in like..10mins. well maybe that was just a "representation" so then it pulls you back to the thought that its just a movie.

For Lisa's character, she's just so pretty. hehehe and it feels really sad that she wasnt able to move in with matthew because of certain things. They both love each other but they were unaware that some things might not go there way. Were they too careless? maybe so. But it was rather unfair for both of them.

I am inlove with Lisa's character. She's artsy. I like her eyebrows (hmmm) I can feel that her character is one that is strongwilled, brave., but in a way weak.. (just a good mixture of both) She dances well. She's fun (i like the way she crawled to Alex's window.) She's very positive, even to trying to share that energy to her friend Alex.

And for Alex. I understand her point. I also felt a big (yes that's right feeling) inside of me when she said she wouldnt apologize for what she did. (she's the one that caused the "breakup" of Matthew and Kisa"). Yes, she need not apologize, because in her point of view, she just did what she had to do.. For LOVe (woohoo). I like her character as well. I think she's cute. Her blank stares and pale white cheeks amazes me. But sadly for her, she wasnt meant for Matthew.
I cannot remember which Shakespeare play was fitted in the movie, but i think that was Hamlet.

The soundtrack to the movie added a lot of EMOTIONS. How can you..well, how can I not be moved by Mazzy Star saying..."..They say everyman goes blind in his heart, And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away."

Stereophonics made the movie a fastpaced-highway/laidback-loveaffair (whew) with their opening song Maybe Tomorrow..adding the perfect hum.

and then.. how could i write about wicker park, and not talk about the airport scene..
if you just grab that moment out of the entire film you would still feel the same. I dont know., but for me it is just so moving. I can feel both their emotions. All the thoughts racing through their minds (or is it in mine) Like after all these years of not knowing where and why they were separated and lead them to live lives otherwise together...they just had to meet in the airport.
and to add to all those blistering sparks of light (love), Coldplay's the Scientist is played at the background. how romantic can a movie get?

I dont know, but the feeling of the whole movie is like we are (i am) put into their lives and been pushed at random directions and suddenly, im being squeezed in a 2inch diameter can.
my heart was squeezed,. my thoughts were frozen. my emotions overflowing... this movie made me felt something.... it moved me.

*thisisnt a movie review, and i just wrote them to express my thoughts about the movie, pardon my construction of words as i am not a writer. and maybe u felt the movie wasnt so great. =)

the art of doing nothing

there are so many things that i learned in school, and twice as many living my life. for lack of interest in writing something "commercially viable" material. i will go directly to the point... i want to say that learning the craft, or the "art of doing nothing" is not an easy process. it requires vigorous training, perseverance and the firm dedication to the purpose of doing nothing. at times, when your soul grows weary and loses the "vision" of the very case of doing nothing, you should pause for awhile.. stop whatever (you are not doing) lol, and then remind yourself that you are to do nothing. this isnt like yoga, where you meditate, on either walking on a beach and seeing that light from the sky, and i am not referring to the meditation of the emerald green ball also. Although they both have similar outcome (e.g. sleepiness or feeling relaxed) the art of doing nothing simply is a little to hard. try doing nothing, thats cool.. that's easy. try thinking nothing.. its a bit harder.. a different level so to say. (and whle you're at it, try breathing nothing.. lol., and if u are in some sort of ultimate zen and u consider yourself a master already, try controlling your blood.. make it slowly and slowly and slowly halt from moving. and then go back to ur brain, and not command it to command your blood, then there u will have it are already perfecting the art of doing nothing.

i have read this technicque from an ancient writing somewhere in the mountains. i dont know how i got there (but somehow i did) but i came across a congregation of 15-20 people saying they are perfecting the art of doing nothing. and guess what,no one spoke to me, they just wrote it in the walls of their church, saying "we are currently doing nothing".
but it was written in Aramaic so i had to have it translated when i came down to the city.

while i was there, no one talked to me, though their eyes were wide open (i later found out that closing ur eyes is already doing something, for scientific reasons, the iris is more at rest opened than being closed)

anyway yeah. it was all blank stares everywhere.

thank goodness the people werent practicing the art of doing nothing all afternoon. around 4pm (8 days after..) they stopped.. and said... they needed to do anything. just a little something, before they will be given the rank called "Utterly Useless Individual" one who does the art for more than a 9days... anyway, i have to do more research before i can expound on that ranking. ..

aaaah.. wait... im in a block. lol i will continue this writing soon..

remembering

do you remember the day
we got so high you said we're dead
and you wished we were alive?
oh yeah now we are here

do you remember the time
you said this tide is not going to rise
well here we are my friend
surfing till the summer's end

well i remember those times
i hope you still do
and i hope you will smile
and if you remember those times
you dont have to worry
there ought to be no tears in those eyes

do you remember June?
when we both raised the moon
and we ended up chasing our shadows
and the dragons in our heads

well i remember those times
i hope you still do
and i hope you will smile
and if you remember those times
you dont have to worry
there ought to be no tears in those eyes

a script within a script

i wish i can write something better than i did now
i wish this will be something close to "great"
but somehow life is more than fiction itself
life is life, sometimes it is boring sometimes grand

i wish there was more to making this film
than actually making a film
if the characters cannot be bounded by this script
theyd actually feel something more , or something less

i wish preparing a musical score
can be as romantic as humming those notes
like in a concerto, would you rather be sitting in the audience?
or do you want to be the conductor
if so, would you understand for me there is no chord
sadder than A minor?

but can you actually write a script within a script?
like, if you take those words into its inner context
can you see that words have feelings?
yes they do
just like life in itself, has life.

a note from the pork to the chef

this is going to be a good evening
you are going to make me the best that i could be
but you're gonna slice me, and dice me
and cut right through me
but that's ok
i will bleed for your purpose

you're gonna soak me in hot water
boiling me
add spices in to this tiny piece that i am
but that's ok chef
it's your call

i put my whole being into your hands
hoping that you are going to make me a pleasant dish
dear chef dear chef dear chef
please hurry up with that knife
its feeling a little unpleasant now
but that's ok chef
i will always smile (like i always do)
and say
it's your call

while listening to further to fall...

i have this urge to write something. but somehow i just cant. hmmmm nothing comes out of my mind.maybe this is due to my lack of sleep.i have been feeling low lately. (ahem i think i said that too many times)but that same question is back to haunt me again. what is the difference between tomorrow and now, and yesterday.for me, nothing seems to change. it's a struggle. everyday. and im tired of it. im tired of waking up, of goig to the ofcof eating breakfast, of going to the shower, to change, to play the guitar, to write sms, to write emails, to do my projects.
maybe i am looking for that cool change. maybe not. maybe im just not gonna live anymore. hehe. maybe the a/c isnt working im f***** sweating here. somehow i got thru this morning listening to Stone Temple Pilots.. i got a little bit easy when i heard "Art School Girlfriend"as what i have learned in my study of buddhism, all this misery can very well be frustrated desires. Desires are what makes us attached to something, and this attachment is not very good. it makes us forget of ourselves, but we are now focused on our desires. so there, im letting all of them go,and while were at it, someone please take my life. lol. i feel like i am living the life of ms shiny black ball. (see previous writeups)
my life is going nowhere. the song Nowhere Man means a lot to me... (now more than ever) i have experimented with life by quiting work and staying at home, but in theend i was still uncontented. there are so many things i want to do, but i have only achieved them at a certain level. not extraordinary. well im just a plain guy.a poor young country boy (to be poetic at that).
hmmm.. i have changed my wallpaper to a face of a dog. i didnt look it up in the net, i found it here in my pc.somehow something is still lacking. i admire people who really plan there day, and live dynamically. mine is a slump. a snail moves faster.i need some wine.. gimme some more of that wine. speaking of wine, i got really drunk last friday that my "classmates" had to drive me home.ehehhe. well good thing i didnt bring my car. it doesnt happen very often that i come home dead drunk, since i started driving.
hopefully something life changing (in a good way) happens to me soon.. it might be too late. hahahahah
i want to write about fields of white tulips. that's what i have been seeing in my head lately. i dreamt of someone who died on those lonely fields. hmmm

Demons by Guster

im gonna play this song when i get home.. if memory serves me well, its C-G-Am-F.


"Demons"
My words confuse you
My eyes don’t move a blink
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

Honest is easy
Fiction is where genius lies
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

back to blogging. - my eyes are miserable -

my eyes hurt. karen took the liberty of cleaning my desk lol. thanks! and i just put this lamp just above my monitor so that it will attract the radiation. hehe that has got to be researched first. koc(ofcmate) said that it is true.
anyway. my eyes still hurt. i dont know why. maybe because i havent been wearing my shades when i did some coding today. my screen is at 1024 x 768 so that it can go up to 85hz refresh haaay.. low end. hehehe
but then again beggars cant be choosers. i have been working here for almost 2 weeks now. it feels great to be back "home". bigfoot is my first company. i was still reviewing for mechanical engg. board exams when i got hired here. my life took a different turn. my parents made me decide for myself (although they wouldve wanted me to proceed with the board exams) they let me have my freedom to work. hmmm =) kudos to my parents. and God bless ur soul dad. i miss u.
now my heart hurts.
hmm. i have been feeling awfully tired this past few weeks. maybe because i am no longer used to working during the afternoon (or staying awake for that matter). i have to wake up early in the morning to prep myself for work. although 10am is the cutoff, i have to get here before 9:30, so that i wouldnt have trouble finding a parking space at the basement. *please refer to parking is hell blog. lol for other rants about parking.
i have been diagnosed with pnuemonia. and i am taking my medication. but due to some schedule "anomalies" i wasnt able to take them as prescribed by the doctor.
i am ever gonna heal? or this is it. i have always thought id die around 27. hehehe and join the ranks of kurt cobain, and others. =)
will my band become famous if i die at such a young "miserable" age? will our only recorded original song finally get ripped.. ere finally get sold out? will some guy from a band ever gonna give me guitar, like what happened to most famous bands?
i dont know. only time will tell. and speaking of time. time is not on my side. i need to fix this sh*t pages i am working on. lol .. when i was in highschool, i thought id go to law school and study law. because im quite fond of being right.. lol does that even make sense now.. anyway, i brought that up because the site i am making now involves a whole Claims process for California.
hmmm.
will i ever get to visited my cuzns and titos in Cali?. or NJ.. or LA, NY.lol.. my relatives are scattered heheh.. i will someday visit them one by one. i hope they read my blog and adopt me. lol
i feel light now.
there are some things that i miss..
im gonna head out in a while . ciao!